Thoughts on suicide (not suicidal thoughts)

"I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all"

Stumbled upon an amazing rendition of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody today, so I had to share it:

Angelina Jordan’s version conveys the emotional depth of the lyrics, in a way that’s so hauntingly beautiful. As though it really is the singer’s last goodbye.

This morning, a girl sat across the bus from me, in white rubber birks, an oversized black hoodie, and shorts. “Definitely Gen Z”, I thought. She glanced over and I noticed she had tears in her eyes... Sharing with her friend over the phone, I heard that her friend, Samantha, had just passed away last week.

Looking down at her phone, she read Samantha's suicide note out loud: "I've never felt so much control over my life. I feel calm as I come to terms with my death."

She was 21 years old.

There was more to the note, but those lines hit close to home for me. Her words echoed the thoughts that accompanied me through days and nights of depression back in 2014 - 2016.

I don’t know how she did it, but I wish she was able to hold out for just a little bit longer till she’d found the right help.

More often than not, I believe that suicidal thoughts arise from poor mental health, usually triggered by challenging life circumstances. But they can be overcome - the thoughts don’t have to stay with you forever.

I learned from my therapist that there are 5 factors that are proven to improve mental health: Sleep, exercise, therapy, medication, and meditation. Since my diagnosis in 2016, I’ve adjusted my lifestyle and routine to incorporate these 5 things, and I can confidently say it’s made all the difference for me. I get 7.5 - 8 hours of sleep everyday, practice yoga regularly, see my therapist once a month, take my meds daily (and adjust accordingly), and meditate most days to ground myself. You can learn more about my recovery here.

It’s been tough staying the course to work through depression and bipolar disorder, but every setback I’ve faced has been worth it. I’m grateful to be alive.

Being alive means being able to savour every experience that life brings, from appreciating the simple beauty of nature, enjoying good food, to dancing to uplifting music and partaking in interesting conversations with friends. This holds true even amidst the pandemic crisis.

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If you’re feeling depressed, suicidal, or simply need a listening ear, there is free and immediate help available at these hotlines:

Samaritans of Singapore (24 hours): 1800-221 4444
Institute of Mental Health (24 hours): 6389 2222

I’ve found that the counsellors on the other end of the line may be a hit or miss, depending on your situation / their understanding of it, so give it another try if you’re not feeling heard the first time around.

If you’re looking for resources, or a friend to share your troubles with, send me an email at heysabs(at)gmail.com or drop me a DM on Instagram @sabrinaiooi — I might take some time to get back to you, but I’ll try my best. <3